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托福寫作例文評析-工廠新建

免費留學咨詢表 (趣考不是留學中介,能給你客觀建議?。?/font>

聯系老師

上海為考生打算了托福例文,相信喜歡看例文來提高作文標準的同學一定不會失望。在這一個部分中,每一個題目大伙會給出一篇標準在4~5分的例文,接著大伙會給出美在它的基礎上修改處來的6分作文,大伙看例文能夠按照下面的提綱來仔細體會它的神韻:

1、????????? 文章結構:大伙將給出題目的類型,并且分析其謀篇布局的優點;

2、????????? 語言運用:大伙將舉出精彩的句子,分析其精彩指出;同一時間指出不符合TWE語言要求的句子,并做出改正;

3、????????? 錯誤與誤區:在這30篇范文之中,存在著特別多的中考生經常犯的錯誤或誤區,大伙將一一指出,以免大伙重蹈覆轍。

【1】TOPIC #005:

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near where you live. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new addition to your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

原文(4.5分左右):

There are quite few factories in my community. A new factory’s erection would have not only positive, but also negative effects on our community such as pollution. However, I strongly believe the construction of a factory would bring us more advantages than disadvantages and therefore I fully support this idea.

Frankly speaking, building a new factory surely has several disadvantages. For example, one of the main factors for the pollution of the environment comes from factories. My neat city would grieve about the building of a factory. In the past, children and *s loved to go for a walk in the neighboring park and relax on the cozy bench breathing the fresh air from the evergreens. Moreover, our city is one of the most unpolluted cities in the country. Thus, a new factory would definitely contaminate the life of most of the inhabitants.

However, the building of a factory will inevitably bring a lot of advantages. Firstly, a factory would cause more jobs available. Some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets. Others have an inadequate income and often they cannot secure the food they need. Besides, graduates cannot find work, just because the employment rate is nearly the lowest in the country. The factory, however, would provide a lot of jobs, because it would need not only qualified people, but also workmen. In this way, many residents would have the opportunities for normal life. Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.

We can mainly benefit from building a new factory. Though it would pollute our city, it would provide many jobs we really require. Employment is an immense problem in our state, so the government is trying to find ways to remedy the present situation. Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.

修改(6分):

(1) At present, there are few factories where my friends and family and I live, and the construction of a new one would have both positive and negative effects on our community. (2) Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.

(3) It is true that building a factory would cause a number of problems, one of the worst of which would probably be pollution. (4) The children and *s of our community love to go for walks in the park and relax on the cozy benches, breathing the fresh air. (5) A new factory would contaminate the living space of most of our city’s inhabitants to some degree. (6) It would also create extra noise and not look attractive.

(7) However, the advantages of a new factory clearly outweigh the drawbacks. (8) The single most important thing the factory would do would be to create jobs. (9) We are in desperate need of economic revitalization. (10) As things stand now, some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. (11) The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country. (12) New industry would provide a great deal of jobs, since it requires people not just for labor, but for middle and upper management as well. (13) With the opportunities provided by the factory, many residents may lead a more comfortable life. (14) The *all amount of economic stimulation from one factory could be just what we need to break this cycle of recession and attract investment from outside.? (15) New businesses and cultural centers could start appearing, none of which pollute.

(16) I am convinced that we would mostly benefit from building a new factory. (17) Though it may pollute our city and cause minor annoyances, it would provide many jobs we badly need, and jobs are the first priority when it comes to quality of life. (18) Employment is a very serious problem in our state, and the government can only do so much to solve the problem. (19) Therefore, I strongly favor erecting a factory near our community to help resolve the difficulty facing our city

例文評論:

一、文章結構

題目是支持反對型。

本文結構的優點在于,advantages的部分與disadvantages的部分的比例大致為3:1。大伙寫這一個類型的題目一定要注意這一點,即你支持的部分一定要比你反對的部分長一倍之上。

二、語言運用。

1.????????? 句(2)

普通:However, I strongly believe the construction of a factory would bring us more advantages than disadvantages and therefore I fully support this idea.

優秀:Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.

評論:前句有的拖沓重復,后者簡潔清晰。作為主題句,應盡量簡單明確。

2.????????? 句(11)

普通:Some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets. Others have an inadequate income and often they cannot secure the food they need. Besides, graduates cannot find work, just because the employment rate is nearly the lowest in the country.

優秀:The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country.

評論:前面的句子過于分散,主語過于多樣化;后者采用一系列分句構成一個整句,很緊湊,并且 主語都有the加上一個形容詞表示群體,給人一種渾然一體的感覺。要學會使用分號來使同一意思的句子排列在一起表達一個整體意思。

三、常見錯誤與誤區

1.????????? 原文中的A new factory’s erection would have not only positive.

錯誤在于erection的誤用。通常大伙能夠用set up、found與build來講建起某個實物,而erect更多的是“使豎立”的意思,在表“建立”時通常指建立組織,因而,用在此不合適。在平時積累詞語時要注意詞語經常使用的語境,而不要只依據中文意思記詞。

2.????????? 原文中的The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets.

這一個句子由一部分英語不怎么地道的人來看也許會覺得比較有文采,可是由外人看的話很有可能不知道在講些什么。不要用一部分生硬的詞將中文生譯成英語,那樣一是很有可能因為失去語言的流暢感,二是因為中西文化的差異,同一個意思的表述方法很有可能不一樣,三是這樣的譯法有可能會使用一部分不符合語境的詞,如這里的poke。要確定一部分日常用語的說法,如垃圾箱是trash can或dustbin,而不是street basket.

3.????????? 原文中的Employment is an immense problem in our state, so the government is trying to find ways to remedy the present situation.

這一個句子或者是用詞的疑問。Immense通常不用來修飾problem,而remedy也很少與situation相搭配,而是經常與wrongness或mistake連用。

托福寫作考試

2019-08-06 15:43:56

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